All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
