you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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