Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have post one night stand depression
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