have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
