i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
