John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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