My nipple is on Facebook.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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