I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Randomize
