none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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