My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
