And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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