I got chris browned last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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