he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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