i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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