But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
