I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
