can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
