I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You ate ashes out of my bong
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
