i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
