You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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