We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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