i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
