She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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