Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
