you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize