Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
