I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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