I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
