in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
