just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize