You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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