I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
