I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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