Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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