fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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