My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize