I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Randomize
