see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
