Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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