last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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