sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
