duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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