dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
