im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize