I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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