Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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