I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
