I never want to see another naked old woman again.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
