at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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