can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
