He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Alive.
So much puke
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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