My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
