you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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