It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
