Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
