Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
