Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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