don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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