I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
