I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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