I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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