I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
