Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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